My Mistakes

I wish I had never blown out the candles on my birthday, and I wanted to grow up faster. When I was young, I wished to be bigger and fit into my plastic high heels better. I wanted to grow up and be more knowledgeable than I was. These things I wished for seem so pointless now because even though I’m only 17, the thought of the future makes me sick. I hate having to think about the future and having to prepare myself very quickly to be able to do things on my own. Applying to college was the first thing in a long time to really take me over the edge and freak me out. I pushed it away for months, my parents asked me every day what I wanted to and what I wanted to be. I avoided these chats, I’d hide in my room or I’d go out with my friends to avoid having these life-changing conversations.

thinking about the future makes me reminisce on my past. I miss so many things from when I was younger, like playing rec softball. There was something about being out on the field with my friends, the sound of the ball hitting the glove, the excitement of every game. I miss the feeling of being part of this team where everyone got along, and you were cool if you had new bright colored cleats and the team didn’t care about wins and losses. They only cared that their parents were watching and if they had cute bows in their hair. The simple joy of just playing for fun without worrying about anything else is something I miss often. High school sports really test your commitment and your passion for the sport. I know from experience what it’s like to be on a winning team and what it’s like to be on a losing team, and how different the environments are on both. I also really miss travel softball. It was more intense and competitive, but I loved every minute of it. This summer I played on a travel softball team for the last time and I’d have to say it was my best played season of softball ever. My team was amazing we won all the time and we also had great team chemistry. We all got along and were all very skillful, and team players and this is why we won a lot. Our team had so many great kids with good potential who were also very kind and polite.

Then there’s field hockey, my friend Izzy got me into it. Honestly, if her mom hadn’t called mine, practically begging for me to give it a try, in fourth grade, I never would have played. It’s crazy how sometimes the people around you can open doors you didn’t even know were there. Sometimes I wish I had a better last year of high school field hockey but we can’t get everything we wish for. This season has probably been one of the worst for team togetherness and girls getting along. its hard to show up to practice everyday where I feel like everyone hates me and I cant be myself, I feel like I have to watch what I say and how I act because people will find anything to say about you, to talk crap behind your back, not only is it not fun to be there but we also have had a mega losing season. We went 0-7 up untill our homecoming game vs oceanside where we finally won but only because the team was so terrible and had the same record as us but worse, sports have taught me lots of valuable lessons but in the end this isnt how id like to close out my last season as a senior on the field hockey team but unfortunatly its how I have to. Christmas used to be so magical too. Every year, my parents would make it special by reading me a book and getting me new pajamas. Those little traditions made the holiday feel cozy and full of love, and now it feels like that magic has slipped away somewhere in all the grown-up stuff.

I miss how, when I was younger, nobody cared what you looked like, who you talked to, or what your hobbies were. Most of all, I miss the days when I didn’t have to think about the future, the stress of picking the right college and degree wasn’t even a thing. Back then, life was just about having fun and being in the moment. Growing up means change, but sometimes I just wish I could go back to those moments where everything felt so simple and full of joy.

“Childhood. Summer.” by ezhikoff is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

“Childhood Memories…” by melolou is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.