The Outsider

I have felt like an outsider most of my life. It started by just feeling like an outsider in my family. At first I couldn’t wrap my mind around why I felt so different when I was around the people I loved, but I did. As I got older and more mature I started to understand why, but it was hard for a really long time.

My immediate family has always been my mom, dad and sister. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like an outsider when we were all together. It was with little things like them talking while I was in the other room and the three of them laughing and having fun, but when I was around the dynamic was a lot different. It was either constant arguing or just quiet, no laughing, no inside jokes, just quiet.. or bigger things like thinking that my mom loved my sister more then me. It caused a deep rooted feeling of not being good enough, I mean if I’m not even good enough for my family then who am I good enough for?

Somewhere along the line, I’m not really sure when, I think I may have always known deep down, that it wasn’t me it was them. I just wanted so desperately to have a normal family where we all get together and have fun with no fighting, no dealing with adult problems, so I convinced myself that I was the odd one out because there was something wrong with me. In reality I was just surrounded by people that did not understand me, that were stuck repeating a cycle that has been going on for generations.

As a kid I always knew that I was going to be something more, I never knew exactly what but I did know that I wanted to  be something more than what my family could have ever dreamed for me. It was hard for the people in my family to understand that I wanted something more, and as I matured I realized that was part of the reason why I always felt like such an outsider. It wasn’t their fault, they don’t know any better, this has been the way my family has been for generations, no one has ever really cared about school, or a career. So when I did, it was  hard for them to relate to me.  It wasn’t because I had something wrong with me, or that I was weird or annoying. I am just different, and that is completely okay. It took me a long time to realise this but once I finally did I was able to work on the insecurities that were created by the feeling of not fitting in. I was able to work on my dreams and aspirations, without the fears of not being good enough.

My mom never loved my sister more than me, she just understood my sister better than she understood me. Yes, it was hard growing up feeling like an outsider, but I wouldn’t ask for anything different. Being an outsider taught me to become strong and independent, and that is why I will accomplish my goals for the future. So if being the outsider is the struggle that I had to face to make me who I am, then I am perfectly okay with that.

“Alone, but not lonely” by wanderinghome is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.